My #pandemicbaby is here!

April 14, 2020

Our beautiful second born boy has arrived!  Everything went incredibly smoothly for the scheduled c-section on the original date given. I wasn't surprised, I never went into labour on my own for my first born and didn't expect I was going to for this one.

The hospital experience was very well-managed, we felt. Our hospital had a rule of which entry door could be used with screeners at the door as you went in. We walked in, and some construction workers had just entered ahead of us so we were asked to wait in the outer vestibule until they went through the screening process and had moved along. Then, we walked in and were asked questions (any travel in the last 14 days?, any new or worsening cough?, any fever?, any exposure to a known or suspected case of covid-19?). Then, we were each given a mask to wear. We were sent down the hallway to the elevators -- we never saw another patient, barely anyone around at all, and there was one hallway for one direction and a different hall for the other direction. We got in the elevator by ourselves, and up to the maternity floor.

It felt very isolated, we felt we had zero exposure to any possible risks.  Our labour & delivery floor is only birthing unit, NICU, and pediatrics and there have been no positive covid-19 cases on this floor at all. We were taken into triage, we had to wear our masks the whole time, and they did my pre-op blood work and monitored the baby. Then we waited and were called in to walk to the operating room (there are two dedicated operating rooms just for labour & delivery).

Mr. Lock was taken to change to scrubs and I went right into the operating room. They sat me on the table while the nurses finished setting up, and then the anesthesiologist came in and got ready to give me my spinal. I felt a little woozy when this was happening, I kept trying to remove my face mask because I felt so hot suddenly, they kept shoving the mask back on, haha. Anyway, it was just anxiety and nerves and the panicked feeling passed and then I was laying down on the table and the rest of the surgery was set up.  I felt tugging sensations, and then the most amazing moment happened -- the loud cries of my newborn son! 

He will be our last baby, after everything I went through to get to this point we knew this, so I also had my last remaining Fallopian tube removed during this c-section. While my OB finished the surgery, they brought our little one around and let Mr. Lock hold him close to me.  When everything was done, I was wheeled to the recovery room for a couple of hours. We got to put the baby on me for skin-to-skin time while there. My OB came in and took Mr. Lock's phone and let us remove our masks for a bit and took family photos of the three of us.

We then were taken to our private room -- which Mr. Lock could not leave at all for the duration of our stay. We only ever saw the nurse on duty, and the food service people when they dropped a tray of hospital food for us three times a day. Everyone was in full masks and PPE. We really felt it was a very secure environment, we don't fear having any exposure risk to the virus.

We were able to be discharged by 6 pm the next day. We headed home to recover there. Our little one is now one week old. He's been eating well, sleeping well, and all systems seem to be good! He's certainly a hearty and healthy baby, like his big brother was. He's very relaxed so far.

We are adjusting well to being a family of four in isolation. All in all, my experience giving birth during this pandemic went very smoothly and while it was sad not to have my family visit, we were luckily not in the hospital very long anyway, so it really was okay. We had one small visit with my parents on Sunday, because we had to go pick our toddler up (he had stayed there for five days). It was wonderful to even get to see my parents once, before we head back into our self-isolation.

Social distancing seems to be working somewhat where we live, so we are hopeful if everyone continues to follow these directions we will be able to return to seeing at least some of our immediate family soon. We will look forward to that day.

Here's a photo of the little man!  My rainbow baby, my miracle, my #pandemicbaby.
(For the sake of the blog we will give him the pseudonym "Owen" which was one of the other names we almost gave him).

#PandemicBaby - Part 2

Trigger Warning: This post references fertility, miscarriage, pregnancy loss. Please be mindful if these are topics that are personally upsetting or produce anxiety for you -- you are not alone.

So where did we leave off?  Since May 2014, I had been trying to become a mother. Three miscarriages, and then my amazing rainbow baby Nate was born in January 2017. In attempting to give him a sibling, we had another miscarriage and then I suffered a ruptured ectopic pregnancy and lost a Fallopian tube. But I wasn't quite ready to give up yet.

I went back to the fertility specialist I had worked with before having Nate. Running many tests, we once again could not determine reasons for my pregnancy losses. The only thing we discovered is that my egg count is low for my age -- and now that I had this test twice over a few years, he could see it was dropping at a higher rate than the reasoning to just be "you were born with less" or something of that nature. So we couldn't know for sure, but the best guess we could have was that my egg count being low could mean my egg quality is low and so it's genetic bad luck if it just isn't a healthy egg being fertilized.  I went back to taking co-enzyme Q10 (forgot to mention in my last post, I had taken that before my one successful pregnancy) as there's some research that supports it as a supplement that promotes egg health for women.

I then began the discussion about getting onto a waiting list for funded IVF. In our province, we can receive one government funded round of IVF (doesn't cover the medications, but my work plan would). It's a long waiting list, however. So, I wanted to be sure to get onto the list knowing it would be a year or more before we were called for our IVF cycle.  I wasn't ready to get pregnant too soon after the ectopic, I had some emotional stuff to work through, but I didn't want to miss a chance to be on the list sooner than later -- especially since the fertility doctor had concerns about my egg quality and how many he may be able to harvest.

He was also concerned that I was "flinching" too easily during exam and internal ultrasound. So, before he would put me on the IVF waitlist I had to go to pelvic physiotherapy first.  So I began some physio around February 2019.  I went for multiple sessions, and learned how to relax my anxiety related to gynecological tests and it was enough to satisfy the fertility doctor. So in April 2019, he added my name to the IVF waiting list.

I relaxed -- we weren't going to try to get pregnant naturally, as I was fearful of another ectopic pregnancy and losing my only remaining tube.  I was going to wait and attempt IVF, and if it didn't work we were going to throw in the towel and move on enjoying our lives as parents of an only child.

Fast forward to August 2019. Just after being home from a vacation.

Yes, we got carried away LITERALLY ONE TIME and didn't use protection.

And yes, I found myself staring at a positive pregnancy test at the end of August.

I was surprised -- one Fallopian tube and it still worked!  I was elated -- this is the best I could hope for, a natural pregnancy.  I was freaking out with anxiety.  I just hoped it wouldn't result in another ectopic or miscarriage... I didn't think I could take another one.

Miracle of miracles, the pregnancy continued on and progressed very well. I was nervous for EVERY ultrasound, but we made it through each one seeing a strong heartbeat and normal measurements. It was just like when I was pregnant with Nate -- things just seemed to go well. I showed much earlier, and had some pelvic pains and tension, and there was some additional work stress that I had to manage -- but everything else was going really well.

We found out at our 19 week ultrasound, after giving a post-it from the technician to our friends so they could help us find out in a fun way, that we were expecting a second baby boy.  Our second little miracle boy.

So now... we are excitedly looking forward to his arrival... and yet, we've been his with this Global Pandemic. A lot of hospital protocol has changed -- we have paid close attention to what we need to do. We have been staying completely quarantined since March 17th so we know we are not ill in any way before going to the hospital (if Mr. Lock had any exposure to a positive case, he would not be allowed in with me for the delivery).

So, my miracle pregnancy that was going oh-so-normal.... is now resulting in me delivering this baby DURING A PANDEMIC.

I get it, Universe. This was already going to be our absolute last pregnancy, but we really get the message now. We done!

Looking forward to being able to share a happy bit of news when baby boy #2 arrives -- any day now on his own (though I feel that isn't likely) or on April 14th when I'm scheduled for a c-section.

Fingers crossed everything goes well, and we can safely deliver our #pandemicbaby AND that Mr. Lock can stay with me in the hospital for my short stay following the c-section surgery.

#PandemicBaby - Part 1

Trigger Warning: I am going to be blogging about fertility, miscarriage, pregnancy loss. I hadn't documented my parenthood journey on my blog before, and it feels like it's an important part of my life and history that I would like to write about. I recognize -- oh, I fully understand since I have been through it myself -- this can be a difficult subject for some to read about, so please take care of your mental well-being if this topic may trouble you.  Please just also know, you are not alone.

I suppose it's time to mention the Big Deal that's happening for my family during this pandemic. We're about to welcome our second baby boy into our family.  I have a scheduled c-section on April 14th.

Yep. I'm about to have a baby during a global pandemic. (Wut. OhGodWhy?!)

It seems almost fitting, so for this first post I am going to go back and describe my challenging journey into parenthood.

I have always wanted to be a mother. I was that little girl playing house and mothering my dollies, I was a caregiver to my young cousins at our family cottage, I was a local baby-sitter to neighbourhood kids as soon as I was 12 (um, do people trust 12-year-olds to baby-sit anymore??) I was always nurturing. I loved kids, and I always dreamed of the day when I was a mommy myself. I always wanted a big family -- 3 or 4 children.  I used to wish I could just be a stay-at-home-mom.  I love my career as primary teacher; with today's economy an at-home parent is not as feasible, but I do love my career and that I get to work with children so that works well for me.

My fertility journey, however, was not as simple as I hoped. Which is a familiar story for so many these days -- I'm certainly not unique in that.  I got married just before turning 29, and while we tried to get pregnant right away it took about nine months of trying before I got a positive pregnancy test.

However, unfortunately, that resulted in an early miscarriage at 7 weeks (it was a "missed miscarriage" -- I thought I would have been 9 weeks along, first ultrasound yielded the sad result). I had a D&C. Over the next year, I went on to have two more miscarriages (one at 10 weeks - which I miscarried naturally and painfully at home, and a very early loss at 5 weeks). I was now in the world of an identification of "recurrent miscarriage" and was sent to see a fertility specialist. We could never find a reason for the losses, so likely just some genetic bad luck (but nothing that came out on blood work for my husband or I that indicated specific genetic risks).  We worked with the specialist for cycle monitoring, and then in May of 2016 we got another positive pregnancy test -- and finally, FINALLY (taking baby aspirin daily and progesterone) this was a successful pregnancy.

My first, and much wished for baby boy, was born on January 30, 2017.  Fortunately very healthy, a very normal pregnancy with no complications. He was late -- so at 41 weeks I was induced.  Pushed and pushed and he wouldn't come out, so he resulted in a c-section.  We've had three awesome years so far with our very funny, intelligent, and curious little man. For the blog I will give him the pseudonym of Nate (it was our other baby name for him that we didn't end up using, haha).

Since the pregnancy ended up going so well, we were hopeful that maybe we would be able to add to our family naturally.  When we were ready, we were able to get pregnant again without returning to the fertility clinic (I had conceived naturally in the end there anyway just with cycle monitoring), and my own family physician prescribed me progesterone like I had used before and I began the baby aspirin. Things were going very well.  We got through to 12 weeks, no spotting, and having seen the heartbeat at 8 weeks and heard it in my doctors office at 10 weeks.  At 12 weeks, 3 days I had my next ultrasound.

Sadly, it was another loss. The baby had grown to 12 weeks exactly and then the heart stopped. I miscarried in the hospital with medication to induce it (misoprostol).  I was very scared to miscarry at home because of what I went through when I had the 10 week loss before, so fortunately at the time the hospital could admit me and let me go through the process there with some pain management ready if I needed it.  This was a very difficult miscarriage to work through emotionally, though I'd been down that road before. It was the longest pregnancy I'd gone through before miscarrying and it really seemed things were going well. Once again, we didn't have a reason for the loss other than a genetic abnormality that was poor luck and it just wasn't meant to survive.

Six months later, I felt ready to try again. I just didn't feel "one and done" -- I was no longer hoping for three or four children, but I did want to continue to attempt to give my son a sibling while I was within child-bearing years. I wanted to know I'd tried all of my options before moving on, so that I didn't have regrets years down the road.

I ended up having a strange occurrence -- I didn't think I was pregnant, but then my period was a little late. I had a faint positive pregnancy test, but I started to bleed like a period. It seemed very much like the third miscarriage I had before having Nate -- it was just a very early loss.  It was over New Years Eve, so I hadn't been to my doctor about it.

Then, on January 2nd just as everyone began to return to work (but I was home alone with an almost 2-year-old Nate, as I was still on school break from teaching), my bleeding changed and I began to have a sustained pain on my right side. The pain was getting slightly more intense, and I nearly fainted just after I had laid Nate down for his afternoon nap. I had messaged my husband to let him know something was wrong, but when I nearly fainted I called 911.

Paramedics arrived -- I think in the process of talking to the 911 operator I fortunately worked through some anxiety and I didn't end up fully fainting. They checked my blood pressure, and I explained that I was having an early pregnancy loss but this was different than I'd experienced before. I had already asked my friends who lived locally to please come to my house to help with Nate in case I had to go to the hospital, since it would take Mr. Lock about an hour to get back into town from where he worked. It was a strange experience. I couldn't just leave the house -- I had a toddler asleep upstairs -- but the paramedics weren't really helpful and just ended up asking me to sign a thing that I wasn't going to come with them, but they advised me to go to the emergency department as soon as I could.

Honestly, it was very odd to me (my first time ever having called 911 for help to my home) and I wasn't that impressed by these two men who seemed to know nothing about what to do about a woman talking about a miscarriage. It was not what I expected.

My friends got to my house shortly after the paramedics left. While her husband stayed home for Nate, my best friend took me over to Emergency and waited with me until Mr. Lock could get there. My mother-in-law came to stay at our house to relieve my friends of staying there.

In the end -- it was a ruptured ectopic pregnancy. I was bleeding internally.  I was taken into surgery that night, and lost my right Fallopian tube.

So now, I had a history of four miscarriages and one ectopic pregnancy. I was beginning to feel it was becoming hopeless that I could have a second baby and give my son a sibling.

But I also felt resolved not to give up all options, because again -- I didn't want to have regrets a decade from now if I didn't make sure to follow-through on the different ways I could have added to my family IF it was possible during my child-bearing years.

Part 2 will follow up tomorrow... 

I Had to Buy TP: A Poem

It wasn't for me!
It wasn't for me!
I promise you, it wasn't for me!
I did have to buy TP --
but I promise you, it wasn't for me!

You see, my granny was getting low.
She's old, and frail, and concerned you know -
with what to do if she runs out -
in a town that had already hoarded, no doubt.

Our Costco was bare,
Our Superstore too...
What could this poor granddaughter do?

When suddenly what sort of post should appear?
On a town Facebook group that I now hold near and dear?
There was some stock of that important paper,
At one local store -- I could make it there later!

"Two per customer" the sign said on the pallet,
It was slightly overpriced but I was so happy I'd found it!
So, I picked up my two allotted packs
and guiltily paid for them, covering my tracks...

I told everyone in earshot, whether they cared or not,
that it wasn't for ME, oh, no, of course, NEVER...
We had already bought ours BEFORE, 
we were CLEVER...
But my dear old Gran, she really ran low... 
So I'm buying it for HER, 
I'm a HERO, you know.

- "I Had to Buy TP": A Poem by Ms. Key

PS -- this purchase (very truthfully done for my grandparents who are 86 & 87 and still live in their own home out of town) was made PRIOR to our state of emergencies being declared and the request being made to self-isolate at home. I was already only very cautiously venturing out over the last few weeks, since a week ago I have not been to any public location at all. #stayhome

I watched Cats. Or: Surviving the Covid-19 Pandemic of 2020

"Perhaps it’s the terrifying uncertainty of the day-to-day, or perhaps it’s Rogen’s delightfully delighted reaction to it, but Cats is starting to look like the movie we never knew we needed to spice up our quarantines."
The Guardian article

What a world we live in right now, eh? This is the craziest experience for all of us. (I know, I know -- Thanks, Captain Obvious!)

I fell off the blogging wagon around 2016 I see. I was slowing down on how frequently I blogged for awhile before that. It was a hobby I truly enjoyed, but then it sort of fizzled. Sometime around doing more browsing on a Smart Phone than on a laptop, I'm sure. It isn't like I never had downtime, but I just fell out of blogging.  I know a lot of bloggers did.

Recently, the concept of a Blog Resurgence was brought up on a post by Swistle -- a blogger I still continue to read every time there's new content.  This idea intrigued me!  It's a great hobby to get back into during these strange times. So, here I am!  (Ohmigod we're back again -- doo, doo, doo, doo /Backstreet Boys).

I watched Cats.

You know it -- that trainwreck Razzie award-winning musical based off the highly popular for a thousand years now Broadway show of the same name?  Amazing cast -- TERRIBLE CGI?

I watched it. I was getting anxious and sick of all of the covid-19 news and it was time for something completely different. Seth Rogen had also live-tweeted his viewing of it and it came to mind as just the sort of ridiculous nonsense I was searching for.

I’m pretty stoned and watching Cats. I’ve never seen the broadway show. It is truly trippy. Am I supposed to know what a Jellicle is? They’ve said it 200,000 times but I don’t know what’s happening haha.

— Seth Rogen (@Sethrogen) March 18, 2020

It worked, by the way. Like The Guardian article I quoted at the top of this post, I think it may just be the "movie we never knew we needed" at this time.  It was cheesy and awful.  I will say that the singing was good, though. It IS a pretty great cast.  But the CGI...oh Lord, the CGI.  It was truly just THE WORST.  I know they say Jellicle Cats are small -- but HOW SMALL are they supposed to be? I felt like there was a big problem with the consistency of the size of these cats and the objects around them.  There are also a lot of strangely sensual cat ballet numbers that are more than a little off-putting.

I am a huge lover of Broadway musicals.  However, I actually DON'T love/like Cats.  There are some songs I find catchy ("Memory", "Mr. Mistoffelees")... but when I saw Cats when it came to Toronto when I was a teenager, I didn't read the description of the show and when intermission rolled around I was SO CONFUSED.  I kept attempting to find the story line.  It wasn't until I finally read the synopsis that I learned it was supposed to be vignettes and short stories about all of these different jellicle cats.  It wasn't a great theatre experience for me, even if I did find some of the songs catchy.  I think the film tries to weave a bit of a story line into it -- or the bit of story line that I did notice in the movie is a part of the stage production and it just went over my head at the time.

This pandemic situation is nuts -- let's face it, every blog post I'm about to start writing will feature this pandemic in some way.  So I'm not going to get into much else about it tonight.

I highly recommend the coping tool of watching some hilariously bad movies as a form of much-needed escapism.  Cats may have been an absolute box office disaster -- but in times of disaster, maybe it truly is just what we need.

Daylight
I must wait for the sunrise
I must think of a new life
And I musn't give in
When the dawn comes
Tonight will be a memory too
And a new day will begin
- "Memory", Cats

Local Musical Theatre!

So, a good friend of mine has been performing in a local theatre production of "The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee".  I am so impressed with the performance!  I had the opportunity to attend a rehearsal a couple of weeks ago, and then today got to see a real performance in the two-week run.  I didn't know anything about this musical before.  It is HILARIOUS.  (It has some adult content (ahem, a song called "My Unfortunate Erection"!), so isn't really for "all ages").

The music is catchy and the story has a lot of heart, and I was so proud of the friends we knew who were performing.  They are all so talented, it's amazing.  I *love* musical theatre SO MUCH, and I wish I had the skills and courage to perform.  I definitely have a "stage fright" sort of feeling, even at karaoke.  I just get really nervous.  However, I love attending these shows as an audience member and have really found a love for local theatre productions -- which are great to support anyway!

A friend and I attended a children's production this weekend as well, and I'm so amazed to see children in a range of ages have the courage to perform and sing solos like they do.  It's just awesome!  I can see how their self-esteem and ability to present themselves publicly (or for school presentations, for example) would grow and develop through theatre programs.  Plus, it just looks like so much fun for them.  I hope when I have children that at least one may be interested in trying musical theatre.  I can live vicariously through them, haha.  As a child I was a dancer, but was way too anxious to be comfortable performing solo on stage -- and that was without adding on the singing and acting that musical theatre entails.  I'm just in awe of performers of all ages!

Anyway, it was certainly a great weekend of experiencing some wonderful local theatre -- youth and adult.  I encourage you to check out your local theatre programs and try attending some shows.  It doesn't cost nearly as much as the big shows downtown, and you can still have some wonderful experiences (and even if you attend a show that isn't perfect, it's usually still good for a laugh and a not-too-expensive night out)!

Knitting!

Last summer I posted about wanting a hobby and never actually starting one (beyond binge-watching Netflix, which I've decided is a perfectly reasonable hobby -- how much can one person watch?!  Let's find out!).

I amazed even myself by actually going out and buying some yarn and knitting needles.  I decided, EFF MY FEARS, TIME TO KNIT!

You see, what happened was I was having momentary depression this past fall due to some factors (am better now, do not fret).  I decided I needed to take some action to distract myself and then hoped that would help with the depression.  For the record, it DID help! 

Knitting seemed the easiest of my little hobby ideas to get started with.  Yarn can be pricey, but other than that it isn't an overly expensive hobby and doesn't require too many things to start with, and a small project can be worked on over time.  I taught myself the most basic of steps using YouTube (cast on, the knit stitch, and cast off).  I feel so relaxed while knitting and so pleased with myself that I actually taught myself to do something, because usually Internet learning leaves me frustrated and disinterested.

I have taught myself the purl stitch, but do not do it well yet (I end up with an extra loop at the end of the row, so I need to sort out what I'm doing wrong).  So for now, for my first little project, I am trying to knit a scarf and I am using the knit stitch the whole time.  It looks great that way anyway, so I am perfectly happy to start with this.

I don't know that I will ever be A Knitter, but it's going fairly well so far as just the little hobby I wanted to distract me when I need it and to fill some extra time and slight creative yearning.

For Christmas, my grandmother gave me an adult colouring book... I can also easily see myself becoming obsessed with this new craze.