Sunday, June 26, 2011

A Nightmare

I have intensely vivid dreams.  Other than the fact that outlandish things happen in them sometimes, they are very often very realistic.  Sometimes after dreaming, I wake up feeling completely unrested, as if I didn't just get the 8 hours of sleep that I did. 

Well, I just had a terrible nightmare.  One of those ones you wake up from, with your heart racing, thanking GOD it was "just a dream! just a dream! OMG, it was just a dream!".

The Nightmare ('AWAKE ME' NOTES in italics are me, explaining what makes it so real!)

I'm in the library at my school.  I'm focused, and am preparing for an interview I have later that same day at noon. (AWAKE ME: I have an interview at noon tomorrow, really).  The teacher I'm currently covering a maternity leave for comes to the library, it's wonderful to see her and we catch up and chat for a few minutes about her new babies (she had twins, in real life, too).  I continue working sooo hard, so happy to know I might have a job again in September at my same school.  I interact with a few other co-workers, etc.

The bell rings for morning recess, and I happen to glance outside the window.  My heart DROPS.  I realize that it was Play Day, and that I did not even GREET my students that morning, do attendence, or take them out to their Play Day leaders.  I'm also supposed to be outside all morning as a supervisor for the event, since I co-planned it. (AWAKE ME: Tomorrow morning IS Play Day, and I am a co-planner and supervisor for it). 

I start to panic in the library.  I start to dry-heave, and feel so irresponsible and shocked that I could EVER let something like THIS slip my mind.  I start to grab all of my notes for my interview, and am racing out the door.  I bump into a particularly uppity co-worker, who tells me, "Oh, THERE YOU ARE.  I want you to know I was covering your CLASS."   I am in a state of shock, and I begin to cry, and I'm begging to know why nobody paged me... and apparently they DID, but I didn't hear it.

I begin to sob and am running downstairs.  I'm remembering how last year I had a very embarrassing incident before an interview with my Principal and Vice-Principal in which my anxiety got so bad right before the interview, combined with end-of-the-year emotions, that I actually began to cry MOMENTS before I was called in for my turn.  This year, I was trying to be SO focused and prepared so that I wouldn't have a repeat of that incident (AWAKE ME: As embarrassing as that sounds, it is 100% a true thing that happened to me last summer -- I'm still so embarrassed by it, even though the minute the real interview began, I stopped crying immediately and launched into my answers with a lot of confidence).

I get down to my classroom, in a blind panic.  I'm sobbing, I'm trying to justify what happened.  I'm HATING myself for being someone who can be so forgetful she blacks out important events she's supposed to be a part of when focused on something else.  (AWAKE ME: While I hope to God it would never go this far, I can be SUPER absent-minded and forgetful at times, and it has scared me before that one day I could forget important things like this -- however, the rational, well-prepared for my job, keeps-a-lot-of-handwrittten-lists-around me also thinks I'd never be capable of something this bad).

Suddenly, a few security people enter my classroom.  My Principal is at my door, blocking it, and looking very ominous.  He says, "Pack your things and get out."

I am sobbing, and begging him to understand, and I'm trying to choke out an explanation -- about being SO focused on preparing for today's interview, about this being the job I care about SO much, about please having another chance.  I am embarrassed, and feel sick to my stomach, and can't imagine what this means for my career.  I don't know how I'll tell my mother what happened.  I am wishing for a time machine, anything to take me back to before I let a thing like this happen.

The teacher I took over for is in the room too, she tries to explain how awful I feel and that it was a mistake.  My Principal wavers for a moment, he's always liked me and tries to see the mistakes people make as just mistakes, but he is bound.  I left 21 kids completely unsupervised, while in the building, it is just too irresponsible.  He begins to toss my stuff off a shelf in the classroom, into a box.  The teacher I took over for shrugs, and then helps him.

I wake up.

Thank GOD! Just a dream!  Just a dream!  OMG, it was just a dream!


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